by Toby Hargreaves

About three weeks before my exam at the Takemusu Aikido Association Memorial Day Gasshuku this year, I tore a muscle in my rib-cage area. The cause was likely a confluence of two factors: a period of time at work involving long strenuous days and heavy lifting in awkward positions; and my intensifying training schedule at the Dojo.
                Initially I was devastated, as well as in pain, because it hampered my ability to work, as well as required taking time off from classes at the Dojo, and even cast doubt on my ability to test at the Gasshuku. As I took time off, however, and began recovery through resting, icing, ibuprofen, etcetera, I noticed that the process felt oddly good. Of course I was in pain, and very limited in what I could do for several days, but it was refreshing to be listening to my body again.
                There were warning signs before the injury. I strained the muscle in the weeks prior, and it bothered me, but other than noting the pain, I ignored it and didn’t let it get in the way of my daily schedule. In the end, it took a fairly severe muscle tear for my body to get through to command central that it needed some attention.
                Our goal oriented culture is great at getting things done, but it can come at a cost if caring for oneself is not also one of those goals. Our attitude toward the body and its needs tends to be that it is an inconvenient setback when the body fails us. When this happens, we may stop, try to find a fix for the problem by going to the doctor or taking some medications, and as soon as we are able (but often too soon), we are back in action, back in the fray. Could it be that we have it backwards and it was the taskmaster mind that failed to take care of the body?
                Getting injured this time around, I began thinking, maybe I need to shift the way I relate to my body, so that I can practice self-care as a part of my daily routine, and not just when I am forced to out of necessity.
                After recovering from the initial shock of the muscle tear, I noticed my awareness drawing inward. I paid close attention to the injured area, and to what movements were painful and what were fine. I also over the longer term have felt myself become more reflective. I question myself: What happened? Why did I get injured? What was I doing? How was I overextended or vulnerable to injury? I think this reflective process is extremely important, but often the space is not made for it to happen. In society’s hyper-valuing of productivity, of progress, of stoicism and self-sacrifice, you have to run counter to a lot of core values in order to prioritize the body over other external goals. This is especially true for men and boys, who are encouraged to push through pain and “tough it out”. Of course this strength can be invaluable in certain situations, but it can also lead to self-destruction.
                I think injuries and sickness are more likely to occur when we are over extended, stretched thin. We are beyond our base, not grounded, disconnected from our source of strength and energy. Thinking in this way, injuries may be pointing the way to where our training needs to develop.
                 O’Sensei and many other Sensei have affirmed that at the core of Aikido is love. I think we should investigate what that means. Certainly loving and caring for one’s training partners is well understood and talked about. What is less often talked about is love for oneself, and the process of creating internal peace. I think it is tricky to talk about it, because some will interpret self-love as self-infatuation or narcissism. After all, aren’t we training to defeat the ego?
                Turning to a different tradition, many Buddhist teachers (i.e. Cheri Huber, Thich Nhat Hanh) teach that the capacity to love someone or something derives from one’s capacity for self-love. What exactly self-love is, I don’t know, but it does seem to be tied to being present in the moment with the body, the feelings, the perceptions, and consciousness, and valuing what those elements have to say over what external things have to say. As for Aikido practice, I think self-care translates pretty directly to care for others. May we all treat our bodies and those of our partners not as mere tools, but as miraculous gifts and integral to the Path.

 (Submitted on 5/23/19 as requisite essay for Yondan)